He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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