he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
