My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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