she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
