Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
