Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
