Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just took my morning after pill in the library
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
