Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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