If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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