someone owes me an orgasm
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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