Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
