This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
