He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
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I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
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I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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