Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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