everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
