I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
