can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
