You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Enjoy the penises
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize