she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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