it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
