Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My penis needs a shock collar
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
