the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
