New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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