Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
