I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
