i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
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Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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