I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
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Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
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These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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