the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
