I cannot find my penis.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
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I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
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My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize