I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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