Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
