I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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