nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
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I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
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Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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