i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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