My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
