did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
