you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
