Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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