I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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