Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.