i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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