the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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