If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
