Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
