Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
