Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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