I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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