your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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