I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
