hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
