I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
