Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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