i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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