New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If I die, sorry about rent.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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