Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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