it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
