Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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